Prisoner of Freedom

It wasn’t late in life that I discovered something that will accompany me for the rest of my life(at least till now, im only 23 yo): the fact that I hate to work. It’s not that work is always terrible—sometimes it can be quite pleasant—but I would always prefer to do something different with my time: travel, make art, practice a sport, etc.

I think something that is often quoted when discussing this is that old notion that it can’t be possible for the goal of life to be working 8 hours a day, sleeping another 8 hours, and being tired the rest of the time because of work. Since I started working somewhat early (at 16 years old), that hit me hard. It can’t be possible that this will be my life for the next 30 years or so.

Okay, the early days were a lot harder. Working as a packer in a big supermarket—which definitely needed more employees—wasn’t easy, especially when the rest of your time was spent in school or studying. While everyone else was playing, I was working, not only doing my job but also helping in other areas because the supermarket didn’t employ enough people.

Although those were harsh days, they taught me some important lessons: Never stress over work, always have some "fuck off" money, live as frugally as you can, and, most importantly, save as much as you can so you’re able to retire early. Still need to do more work on those lessons.

Early retirement has been my goal since the first few months I started working. I’ve always been someone dedicated to learning skills and living exciting experiences, and work just hindered that. So, I focused on increasing my income by becoming a software engineer and saving as much as possible.

Over time, I realized more and more what I was—and still am—sacrificing for this lifestyle. I almost never leave the house; my life consists of the same daily struggles (gym, cooking, work, study, reading, and drawing—the latter only when possible). Even if I try to have a hobby, I can practice it for at most an hour a day, unless it’s the weekend.

The goal of all this? To make more money so I can retire early. I must say I’m still quite far from the objective. And living this life of constant exhaustion isn’t easy either. Some might think being a software engineer should be good enough, but when you live in Brazil, it’s certainly great compared to most Brazilians—yet still not as great as it could be if I worked for a foreign company. I’ll definitely need to work a lot to achieve FIRE (Financial Independence, Retire Early), which is why I’m constantly trying to specialize further.

The problem? Nothing in this life is certain. I could die tomorrow, discover I have cancer, or something else, and suddenly all this effort toward retirement would be completely useless. Or I could reach the goal and suddenly lose everything due to an unpredictable crisis—or even have someone point a gun at me and demand all the money I’ve saved.

Thinking like this might seem very pessimistic, but it’s a common Stoic exercise: being aware that you could lose everything you have and, when you do, not stressing over it—just saying, “I’m giving this back because it was never truly mine in the first place.”.

Of course, achieving this level of detachment is easier said than done. I don’t even know if it’s possible at all. The only thing I’m certain about is that the desire for retirement—this thing I’ve been working toward for years—is the very cause of my suffering and anxiety.

You may also think this is very pessimistic, but I only recently started making "good money"—at least from a Brazilian perspective. In the past, I lost all my savings helping with family problems. My grandpa was in debt with a loan shark, and I was the only one who could, or at least was willing, to help. Now, I don’t see that amount as a big sum, but at the time, it certainly was. For someone earning 2k reais while also helping pay household expenses, 4k reais was huge—especially because I had just bought a digital piano for another 4k, which I had slowly saved up. So, suddenly, all my 8k in savings became 0. That was a year’s worth of savings gone. It hit me hard. I stopped saving money altogether because I noticed that every time I had money in the bank, someone would ask me for help. I’m not blaming others living in Brazil isn’t easy on anybody, and i certain needed to became more mature and learn to say no.

Then life hit hard again—I found myself unemployed. For at least eight months, the little money I had saved only lasted me three or four months. Then, I had to sell the digital piano I was so happy about and even acquired some debt. But ten months ago, I found a new job as a senior software engineer, earning a net salary of 8k reais. This allowed me to pay off all my debt and start rebuilding my "fuck-off fund" again.

The timeline may be confusing to you, so I will try to clarify it:

1. 16 years old: Started working at a supermarket (net salary: R$700).
2. 17 years old: Still at the supermarket but began doing coding work for a local small business (total net salary: R$900).
3. 18 years old: Started working as a software engineer under a more experienced mentor who passed his jobs to me (net salary: R$2,500). Began saving more money.
4. 19 years old: Started working for a software company (net salary: R$2,500). Paid off my grandpa’s debts.
5. 20 years old: Changed companies (net salary: R$4,000). Eventually stopped saving.
6. 21 years old: Unemployed, with 12,000 reais in savings. Eventually acquired debt
7. 22 years old: Current company (net salary: R$8,000).
8. 23 years old: Able to save 29,000 reais.

As paradoxical as it may seem, the very desire to be free from this capitalist rat race can make you a prisoner of a pursuit you don’t even know if you’ll ever achieve—and it traps you in one of capitalism’s most fundamental principles: competition.

The only thing I want to do once I retire is to live quietly, warmly, and peacefully—a life where I can take things slowly, contemplate, practice, and experience different things. But right now, my life is only about saving as much as I can, working and studying as much as I can, so I can retire early. Because of that, I’m constantly asking myself: How much should I earn to retire in the next 5 years? What should I do to reach this number? If I can’t, how long will it take to retire with my current savings? These questions crush me with the harsh reality of life—even living frugally, it will take a long time, or I’ll need to earn what only the top professionals in my field make.

Meditating and working with Taoist, Buddhist, and Stoic philosophies helps a lot. But even with their help, it’s still a big, tiring, and stressful hustle. And this very notion of freedom seems to have made me the most enslaved to work one can be. I fear that all this effort will turn out to be meaningless, but I also don’t want to live the life of my peers—spending a lot of money without knowing if they’ll ever be able to retire or if they’ll have to spend a third of their lives working to get there.

This is the challenge I’ve been facing for the last few years, and it seems I’ll need to do a lot of internal work to find a way to deal with it.